Oblivion
The alarm echoed
throughout the bathroom and pulsed behind her eyes. She groped across the floor
for her phone. It eluded her, and the noise continued to reverberate against
the walls and pound inside her skull. Waves of nausea swirled until she had to
crawl to the toilet to puke. Slightly better, she opened her eyes and saw that
the phone was somehow in the shower. Relief washed over her when she finally
stopped the noise.
She stumbled into the
kitchenette. Empty bottles of tonic water and a liter of Smirnoff were
scattered on the floor. Maybe she’d run out of tonic water and resorted to
finishing off the vodka in its undiluted state. Everything about last night was
fuzzy after she’d treated herself to an exquisitely made vodka tonic.
Damn that vodka
tonic. The cold vapory drink slid
over her tongue and burned down her throat. The promises it had made now
compelled her to search for another liter. But there was no choice except to
settle for the six-pack of beer in the fridge. She guzzled one bottle down to
quench her thirst.
Well, maybe, the
vodka tonics weren’t the problem. That would be like blaming a crack in the
sidewalk for a fall or a lie for piercing a soul.
The vodka was as
innocent as a lie.
She guzzled a second
beer just because.
In the distance, the
bells of St. John’s Cathedral tolled, reminding her that she hadn’t gone to
Mass in years. Dad had always told her to attend Mass on Sunday mornings and
remember her prayers on weekdays. He died of pancreatic cancer during her
freshman year. She downed another beer.
Tucking another into
her hoodie pocket, she staggered out of the apartment. Maybe church would be
nice. Flickering candles and memorized prayers seemed safe somehow. The
pleasantly pungent smell of incense. Standing, sitting, kneeling. Comfortable
like the relief of a familiar bed and hot shower after a long camping trip.
However, as the church’s stone edifice rose before her against the gray-white
sky, she turned away. She couldn’t face God right now.
A bitter wind whipped
her hair into her eyes as she trudged to the Lake Front. When her feet began to
sink into the sediment, she kicked off her slippers and her feet squished into
the coldness as she continued to the shoreline.
She’d seen the ocean
before. Dad and Sam had taken her for her high school graduation present. It
hadn’t excited her. She’d expected it to be vast, for distant shorelines to
exist only in the assurances of others that there was land on the other side.
Lake Michigan, however, amazed her because if she didn’t know better, she would
think land was a thousand miles away instead of only a hundred. Why was this so
impressive? Because a lake could look like an ocean? Could resemble something
it wasn’t? She was easy prey for deception.
Water swirled around
her bare feet and ankles, soaking the hems of her flannel pajama pants. It was
too cold to be standing at the lakeshore. Her feet grew numb, and her fingers and
face stiffened against the icy wind that wrapped her in dampness. But she
couldn’t move.
Like an awkward
caress, water splashed up her shins, urging her to accept the permanent
oblivion that vodka had failed to give. What if she gave in to its promises and
lay down in the water so that it covered her like a lover’s body and filled her
mouth with a kiss of sediment lake water? And if the pulsing waves embraced her
and rolled her into the icy depth, would it matter?
Joggers scuttled by.
Cyclists whizzed past. Dogs pranced next to their humans attached by a leash. No
one noticed her. No one in this place ever had. No one would care what happened
next. She had no one to miss her if she heeded the call of the lake. If she
stepped further into the frigid water. If the chill started to spread up her
legs, hips, middle, arms, neck, into her very core.
The bells of St.
John’s tolled. She hated the cold. The cathedral would be warm.
Frozen in place, feet
in the muck, she pulled the beer out of her hoodie pocket. Stiff hands could
barely circle the bottle let alone twist off the cap. The water invited her
again to surround herself in its deep oblivion. The church bells entreated her
to come rest.
The water stilled.
The bells tolled.
The bottle fell at
her feet with a thud and a splash.
Cathy
Carroll-Moriarty
Cathy is an emerging author from the Midwest
who rediscovered her love of writing amid the adventure of raising her
family and having a career in geriatric social work. Her work has appeared in
Ariel Chart, Adelaide, and Grande Dame Literary.
Excellent work, Cathy. From Linda
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteThank you!
ReplyDeleteVery good Cathy, I was wanting more
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